Goodbye, 2011.

So as this year is coming to an end, I'm reflecting on all the things that occurred. I do this every year, some more than others. In general, I can say that this year was incredibly fast with so many ups and downs. It's starting to scare me how fast my years are going by. And sometimes it makes me think, what am I even doing with my time? 

But anyway, I'll start from the beginning of 2011. It was a happy, but rough, start for my family. As soon as the clock struck midnight on January 1st, 2011, my mom, my grandma and I were in tears, hiding away in the kitchen of my house instead of at the party next door. It was a new year without my grandfather. He had died in May, 2010. For the most part, we had healed. But the thought of moving forward in time without him was somehow shocking.

I was devastated because I was finally gaining more skill in speaking Spanish (my grandfather's first language). All I ever wanted was to be able to carry an actual, full conversation with the man. And now I'll never be able to. That was why the beginning of 2011 was so hard on me. 

By the end of that month, I had already had my heartbroken by that unofficial ex (the one I've mentioned extensively on this blog). It was easy to get over him, the first time. He was only around for a few weeks of January. By February, I was over him and kind of pessimistic about the "month of love." Especially since my best friend, Jenny (remember her?), was dating my cousin. They'd unintentionally rub that in my face.

From February to May, I kind of floated by without any thought into what I was doing. I was finishing my freshman year of high school, anticipating the freedom of summer. But then I ran into my "ex" again (I'm gonna call him Ghostboy). Somehow, I thought it would be okay to let him back into my life. I was wrong. He was just as sour as before. 

In June, I began to really pay attention to Gemini. Spend all night talking to him until the sun was up. Then we'd sleep until 4 or 5 P.M. and text each other all evening. On occasion, Ghostboy would notice that I was straying from him, falling for Gemini, and he'd reel me back in. 

However, I made matters worse for me. I had told Gemini that I was completely done with Ghostboy. But that was a lie that he believed. I was still tangled in a mess with Ghostboy, while trying to branch a new relationship with Gemini. 

Regardless of my ties with Ghostboy, on August 1st, I told Gemini that I loved him. The very next day, I was on a plane to Seattle, Washington with Jenny and her family. It was an unorganized, tiring, troublesome trip. But somehow I still liked it. 

When I came home to Florida, I saw Ghostboy for the last time. He told me he loved me. Then never spoke to me again. I kept trying to contact him, asking what was going on. But he'd ignore me. Until the second day of my sophomore year. I saw him, hands clasped with another girl's. Shattered, I finally decided I had to tell Gemini the truth, breaking his heart, as well as my own. 

So May through August was a time period of lies. I was telling them while they were being fed to me. As miserable as it was to believe the lies, it hurt me just as much to tell them. 

Pause. Why would I even dare to try keeping contact with Ghostboy? Why did I try to stretch an awful relationship as far as it would go? Because I was naive. 

With time, Gemini forgave me. But we realized we were never really together "officially." So we made it happen in September. From then on, I was always happy. I'm glad to be ending this year and starting 2012 with him. He makes me ultimately happy. 

What I'm also happy about is my relationship with Jenny. It's grown more than I thought was possible. Throughout all of our hiccups, we're still inseparable and excited to hang out with each other. I'm proud of the strength she's acquired. She's learned so much about herself and all I could do was sit back, watch, and smile. I love how she's progressing. 

I'm proud of my strength too. With the way Ghostboy treated me, I ought to be crushed. But I carried on with my head held high. And that was something I had never done before. I wonder where I had learned that from.

One last thing I'm proud of: my family. They are doing so well dealing with the death of my grandfather. We're all a lot closer and take family time a bit more seriously. And as for my father, he went through quite the turn-around this year. But a great result from that, my sister and I closer to him. And that makes me happy. Because before this year, I couldn't say that was true. 

And my hopes for 2012 are to remain happy and healthy. I want my family to get even closer, if possible. I'd love to watch Jenny continue to grow and strengthen. And of course, I want to keep loving Gemini. 

Happy New Year. 

Distance is Daring

There's nothing more frustrating than having your doubts. In my eyes, it's a sickness. Its only cure is proof, or gratification. I think it's extremely frustrating and can ruin just about anything.

Being in a long distance relationship is a perfect example of doubtful thinking. We often question the longevity, as well as the quality of the relationship. Sure, that happens with any standard relationship. But long distance ones come with more pain and sacrifice.

You think, what if there's someone else? Or, what if I put all this time and effort into this person, only to find out that there was no purpose in doing so? These questions are haunting and destructive. I try my best to steer clear of that kind of thinking, but it's not without effort.

My mom is the main source of my doubts about my long distance relationship with Gemini. At dinner this evening, she compared him to my father (mind you, they're divorced). Though I was naive as my parents' relationship came to an end, I was able to see what was...off about the relationship. Not to throw my father under the bus, but there are certain (negative) qualities that he has. And they stand out. My mother described my boyfriend with those qualities.

It scared the crap out of me.

But there was a justification for every negative aspect she pointed out. Were those really justifications? Or am I just blinded by love and pulling excuses out of my throat to save Gemini? I think they were justifications. Besides, my mother and I have different outlooks on life and social interactions with others.

Another thing that's terrible is when people say, "It's never going to work out between you two. Long distance relationships never work." Alright, people. Don't think I don't see the challenge that lies ahead. Believe me, I do. So stop rubbing it in, because you only make it harder for me to keep my eyes on the prize.

Though I am determined to work at this relationship. I know my limits and priorities. Gemini just happens to be one of them.

It's Not Fair

It's not fair that I don't get to see Gemini as often as I'd like. I hate it so much. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to retreat from the relationship. We have strong communication skills with each other and I greatly appreciate that. But it's so hard to go so long without seeing him.

I made a mistake early in our relationship. And with that mistake I learned how easy it was to lie to him because of the distance. I hated myself for how I treated Gemini and I still don't forgive myself. But, Gemini could so easily do it to me. Let's say he gets lonely where he is. He won't be seeing me so much, but he's got plenty of lady friends locally. What he could do with them is heartbreaking. 

Of course, he tells me that I'm his one and only. He says he'd never do it. I believe him. But it's not without effort. Besides, people are always changing. He may love me so passionately now, but with time, he may get bored and lonely and impatient. And then Sascha's tossed aside.

I don't know. These thoughts occur to me every once in a while. When I talk to him about it, he reassures me as usual. But, there's always that paranoia. 

Ahhhhhh!

I'm just trying to blow off some steam, here. So I'm sorry if this makes absolutely no sense to you.

Why can't she be like me? I'm not saying I'm so great. But I know that I'm a hell of a lot better person than she is. She's so shallow, and lacks leadership. She's a coward. Whatever her friends do, she'll do in the very instant. They'll say, "Jump!" And she'll reply with, "How high?!"

Where the hell did we go wrong? What makes her think that she's so much better than us? She's nothing. So very, very insignificant to society. Because in my opinion, as individuals, we're all insignificant. But when we come together as a whole, we become something great. Well, she refuses to cooperate with the right people. It's with the ignorant, naive, illiterates she wants to conform with.

That's why no real person actually enjoys her company. They all think she's a nuisance. Hell, I think she's a nuisance. She's a copy machine. But somehow, when something good for her comes along, she pushes it away. What is up with little kids and their attraction to being just awful people? What's so "cool" about bullying, and abusing curse words? Or even looking and acting like everyone else around you, though you know that's not who you are?

With this generation, where the hell is the originality? Is everyone just a recreant?

She's an idiot. People like her is what makes others hurt and sad and insecure. It's funny, because there's a whole lot that I can point out about her. Oh, look! I'm blogging about a whole bunch of her flaws right now! Too bad she's too "cool" to read.

[Purposely Untitled]

Sometimes, I wonder if how I feel is okay to feel. Everything in this world seems to have a boundary that everyone fears to pass. I'm not saying that I'd like to be reckless and/or carefree. I just wish that there wasn't a confusion as to where that boundary may be.

For example, being jealous. I feel jealous every now and then. But that jealousy has tagged along with paranoia. Gemini seems to flirt with a specific girl constantly on his Facebook wall. Now, that usually wouldn't be a huge deal if it weren't for my ex. He had flirted with some other girl on Facebook and then ended up leaving me for that particular girl. Now, every time I go to Gemini's page and see her there, I become awfully jealous and paranoid.

Does my paranoia and past experience justify my feeling this way? Or should I just let the past stay dead? There's my boundary, I suppose. I think by being jealous, I pass that line. Feeling this way just seems wrong. Gemini always tells me that it's not what I think, that I'm the one he wants, etc. But that's exactly what my ex had said to me. No more than a month later did I see him holding hands with another girl and giving me the Cold Shoulder.

And this whole boundary thing doesn't apply to just jealousy. It fits in with every other emotion. Well, maybe not happiness. I don't think there's a limit on that one. But on every other one, sure. I don't know. I just wanted to post something, since it's been a while. This was what was currently on my mind and it has been a reoccurring incident. 

Stupidly Sorry

For Gemini, because we love ginger kittens

Lately I've been really terrible. When I say lately, I mean this week. I've been moody and aggravating consecutively. Another thing that I seem to do is hold double-standards. It's not always that I mean to. A lot of the time, I'm just being playful. But that isn't how it is always perceived.

"Gemini" and I just got off the phone about an hour ago. My moodiness caused me to get jealous about the attention other females give to him and vice-versa. It seems really stupid, but I am able to admit that I am the jealous type. You can go ahead and list all the problems with that, but trust me, I'm aware of them. 

He then claimed that I do the same thing. Now, as true as that is, I do it to mess around with Gemini, and he knows that. It's the way I joke with him because I know he can take it. He's not as sensitive as I am when it comes to that. But when he does it to me, he isn't joking. I know that for certain. Then he'll say something like, "You do it all the time. If you can't handle it, then don't do it to others." 

He's right. For the most part. I'd say that he should know my sensitivity level and not to mention how cute some other girl is. He knows how that makes me feel. I shouldn't do it to him, but when I do, I say I'm just kidding. I'm sincere about it too. But, he doesn't get offended or jealous in the first place. 

I don't know. This whole thing is quite pointless but I just thought it was necessary to post. I'm sorry that I let my emotions ruin our nights, Gemini. It isn't my intention. And I can tell you that as I talked to you on the phone this evening, sounding all sad, I kept thinking to myself, Cheer up. Don't ruin this. Stop being emotional. I willed myself to start laughing and having a good time with you. But, I failed to overcome it. I really tried and put forth an effort.

I keep fearing that this'll push Gemini away. He's consistent, though. Always telling me that this won't make him leave. But I truly believe it could. I just have to screw up one too many nights. You can't fathom how hard I'm trying to control this. It's a work in progress. All I need is for Gemini to keep holding on. I promise I'll fix this.

Torn

I hate it, with a passion, when I'm torn between two. It doesn't matter the scenario. I could be torn between two shirts at Target, or between two friends. Whatever it may be, the feeling is awful. No decision ever feels like the right one.

I'm torn between my parents. It should never be that way. I should see them as equals. But, lately, that's becoming hard to do. They're divorced, which sets up the whole "choose a side" ordeal. I'm over that part. The splitting of my parents happened when I was in middle school. The problem is: the two of them have their stories mixed up.

Now, that shouldn't really matter. They're not together anymore. Period.

That's just not good enough for me. I'm pretty sure a lot of people would like an explanation to a heavy, life-changing event. I can't go the rest of my life not knowing what caused my parents to split. I'd be forever curious.

I won't go into detail about their marriage. I'll just say that their stories are polar opposite. Their stories make the other parent look responsible for the break up. That's very common in this kind of situation. I just think it's immature.

The funny part is, no one cheated or anything. So it wasn't like it was one person's fault. The two of them had mistakes that they both could have sorted out. They were either too lazy, or didn't care enough, to make it work. In my opinion, that's a pretty selfish decision.

This is ripping me apart because my mother thinks that if I take my father's side, I'm blaming everything on her, "as usual." "As usual" my ass. I never blame my mom for things. I adore her and do all that I can to be appreciative of her efforts. She's the one who's being a blind, old bat and can't see my efforts.

And if I take my mom's side, I'd kind of be abandoning my dad. And just recently, his fiance broke up with him. He had opened up to me and my sister about everything because we're all that he has left. That's something my mom would never do. She's too old-fashioned and it seems like she sees family as more of a business matter. I strongly appreciate what my dad has done. Sure, he has his flaws when it came to our relationship. But he's trying and I can see it.

Since I'm torn, I've come to the conclusion that I don't believe either of them. If they can't be mature about it, I'll fill in the blanks myself. I can say right now, there won't be very nice words in those blanks. My mom says, "to Hell with all of us." Cool, Ma'. Very nice of you to say.

My dad is a bit oblivious to what my mom had done for him. So, you see? They both have flaws that bother me so much.

Currently, my mom is mad at me because of this situation. I honestly don't care. My dad is okay, therefore he and I share no hostility.

I'm leaving this torn feeling behind. I don't believe either of my parents. Knowing my mom, she'll confuse that with not trusting her, or not appreciating her. Wrong. I love the hell out of both of them and I think they've done a great job of raising my sister and I. No matter how many times I tell my mom that, she never believes me. That's her problem now.

I know where I stand.

Terrible Times

Sorry if this post is a little unorganized, or weird. It's really hard for me to focus, for I am at a family get-together in a wet bathing suit. I felt the need to post anyway because I find it therapeutic.






I am at a point in my life where I am being an awful person. I'm doing things that make it hard to recognize my face in the mirror. Not only is it unlike me, it's hurting the people I love. I have only an idea as to where this behavior originated. "Jenny" and I are not on speaking terms. Some contributing factors are: my father being heartbroken, and seeing my ex's face every other day.

I'm not blaming those things for what I'm doing. I can just say that all of those things are stirring up my bitterness and higher sensitivity. What I need is a dose of self-control and someone patient to talk to. "Gemini" and I are headed down a rocky road because of how I've been lately. He's usually one of my patient people I vent to. But I keep messing up and hurting his feelings.

He might understand that I don't mean to. But that doesn't mean it still doesn't bother him. I've done so many things wrong with him; I'm scared that we'll be coming to an end soon. I'd understand where he'd be coming from if he were to give me that call and say, "We need to talk."

As for Jenny and I, she couldn't keep a secret. She doesn't cover for me. I tell her certain things, secret things, naturally. She's been my best friend for nearly 10 years now. But, if someone asks about my secret, she'd give it away. Not purposefully, but she wouldn't put forth an effort, either. It's happened quite a few times, each time deducted trust between us.

I know she's sorry, but I'm hurt and paranoid. So, she can wait.

Regarding my dad, he and his fiance aren't getting married and they broke up. I felt so bad because they'd been together for a few years and were getting ready for marriage, the biggest step of commitment. Now, my dad isn't the joker that he usually is. Even through text messaging him, I could feel the sadness he felt. It's awful to see a parent in distress, even if they tell you not to worry about it.

And my ex... He pops out of nowhere in school. Every time I see him, my heart skips a beat. Not romantically, but in fear. Somehow, I get freaked out. I could be the happiest person alive, walking down the halls at school. Then he shows up. It ruins my whole mood because I'm then bombarded with memories that I can't rid myself of.

I'm pretty sure you can relate. Maybe there was a time that no matter what you did or said, or how hard you tried, nothing went right. You still ended up hurting yourself and others around you. It's a horrendous feeling.

Even though I can't stand to speak to Jenny, I still miss her. She has this affect on me that helps me stabilize myself. Without that, Gemini is left with that job. He can't do that on his own. Then I become aggravated. I know I shouldn't depend on a chain of people to keep me well-behaved. But I think to an extent, it's something we all do. And when a link in the chain is missing, there's a domino-effect and things get messy.

I just want to say that I'm sorry to whoever I've hurt. Things are just wrong at the moment.

I'm Your Puppet

This topic has been gnawing at me for months. As you've probably seen in my last post, I was apologizing for my wrongdoing. I think I'm the biggest idiot now. "Gemini" doesn't think so. But, I think he's just astonishingly generous. But that's beside my point. My point is, I (and I'm pretty sure a lot of you can relate) have been used.

The guy that I was seeing behind Gemini's back was terrible and quite heartless. Almost anything he'd say, I'd do. He'd manipulate me and knew exactly how to say things to make it sound okay. Don't get the wrong idea. I didn't do crazy stuff. But, the fact that he was manipulative should have been enough to drive me away.

But, it didn't. Why? Because he was manipulative. I knew he never loved me. Though every time he'd say it, I'd force myself to believe it, hoping that somehow, we'd get better and actually love. I was so, incredibly wrong.

Throughout this whole "relationship," I kept thinking, Gemini wouldn't do this to me. What am I doing? 
But, I didn't leave. I didn't leave until he was done with me. It was the most humiliating, degrading relationship I'd ever been in.

Whoever is reading this, chances are you might've been used before. Maybe it was in a different situation, or maybe it was similar to mine. Either way, if it's happened to you before, the pain of knowing that you truly meant nothing to that person is heartbreaking. It comes with such a suffocating weight that you long to shed.

When it was all over, as upset as I was, I felt so relieved. It was the same feeling I had when my grandfather died last year. The very thought of him dead would make me cry. But, I was also relieved that he wouldn't suffer.

That was me.

I was no longer suffering. Sure, I could have ended it so much earlier and saved myself the pain. But, everything happens for a reason. And I know why this happened. It was just to strengthen me and sharpen my skills at judging situations. I now know when I should leave a guy, when I should stay, how to say "no" when they want you back, etc.

I hope that any of you that have been used come to the same, or a similar, conclusion. This'll haunt me for a long time. I don't want to say forever but, who knows? I just know that I never, ever want to experience that again. Nor do I want anyone else to feel that kind of pain. But, I can't do much but say, "Be careful."

I'm just lucky I've got friends, family, and Gemini to be there for me. All of them know how to treat me well and I truly appreciate it.

I wish all of you the best of luck when it comes to these menaces.

Remorseful Apology

I made a mistake. Probably one of the biggest ones in my short life.

In essence, I'm a liar and a cheater. I hurt the one I love and I know that will change our relationship immensely, no matter how many times he'll say that it won't. I was committed to him and I truly felt for him. But, I was still tangled in a previous, atrocious relationship. And I decided to keep that one hidden from the guy (let's call him Gemini, since that's his zodiac sign).

The bad relationship (the one mentioned in previous posts), ended the second day of the new school year. Gemini thought it had ended back in June. See my mistake? So, last night while on the phone with Gemini, I decided to confess. I felt that in order for me to feel guilt-free and truly happy with him, I had to tell him that one and only secret.

I was terrified, holding my cellphone against my face. My body was shaking and I was already starting to cry. He was gentle, as always, telling me that it was okay and that he was here to talk about it. So, slowly, I told him.

The worst thing happened after that.

He got quiet.

I waited a few seconds, in pain and in fear, and he finally spoke. He was at loss for words, which only made things heavier. He uttered questions: what, when, why? I answered them all and I knew he was numb. For a few minutes, he couldn't tell me how he felt.

A lot of the phone call was just us in silence. I wasn't sure if he had cried. But tears were continuously streaming down my face. He tried to reassure me, telling me that he and I would be okay and back to normal. I didn't believe him. He can't be that stoic.

The next morning, I had something similar to a hangover. It clung to me all day and I just wanted to get it removed, as if it were a tumor.

What I'd really like to say to Gemini is that I love him so much and I didn't mean to hurt him. He means everything to me and I think he's the most understandable and balanced guy I've ever met. I think that I'm extremely lucky and he makes me happier than I ever thought was possible. I thank whatever greater force above for his company.

I promised him that I'd never hide anything from him and that I'd be open. I want to make us work and I want us to last. I love my Gemini. And I think it's a miracle that he still loves me.

Conformity, Vanity

I can openly admit to conforming in my life. Obviously, a lot of us have or even still do. But, that's normal for humans. Whether we notice it, or even acknowledge it, we conform to some sort of group or even "clique." Though, in my opinion, there's a limit.

Someone very close to me--a family member--is nowhere near original. She doesn't stick out in the crowd and has no true identity. As harsh as I sound for being so critical, I love this person to death. The truth just hurts. (Luckily for me, reading isn't cool enough to her. So my blog is safe). 

Scrolling down my news feed on the Wonderful World of Facebook, I see that this person has "liked" a few pages. I wanted to see what those pages were, so I clicked on them. Every single page she had liked were practically the same. Their titles were various forms of the phrase "not giving a f**k."

Not only is that... ridiculous in so many ways, it's also not appropriate for her age. (I realize the more I write about this person, the more some of you would be able to figure out who it is. Though, I won't openly say her name, for the sake of her privacy). She's thirteen years old and everything she posts and likes are full of F-bombs and the word, "damn."

Now, how does that relate to vanity and conformity? Well as for the conformity, this person does it because the rest of her thirteen year old friends do it. Whatever they post, she posts, only with some words rearranged. It's almost like a form of plagiarism. 

I tell her, constantly, "Be original. You're a clone of all of your friends." One of two things happen after that. Someone jumps to her defense and makes me look like the bad guy, or she just gives me a look that is the equivalent to saying "stfu."

Vanity.

That's practically it's own section. But in a sense, I can loop it right back into conformity. This person who inspired me to write this post, she always says, via Facebook and Tumblr, "I'll do me, you do you."

Wrong.

She isn't doing her. All of her friends do, and say, and feel, and think the same. They're selective, all together, about who they talk to, who they associate themselves with. They carry their ignorant selves around as if they're better than everyone else. You can always tell who those people are when you see them. And I think that it's really degrading to their personalities. Or should I say personality, since they've all got the same one. 

Now, this family member most definitely isn't alone. There are tons of people, my age and older, who are plagued with either one of these terrible traits. 

I conform. I can't help it. But, I limit myself. I have a lot in common with a lot of people. But it isn't to the point where we lose our individuality. We--my friends and I--we are set apart by are differences, duh. But, the problem with people is that some just can't seem to let go and just be themselves. 

Urban Dictionary may have been helpful for any of you readers that may be a bit outdated. ;) 

Death by Diamonds and Pearls

I guess I can say that this post is about values. It's become apparent to me that I haven't really reflected on my own. But, today, as I was sprawled out on "Jenny's" wooden floor with a box of pizza, her dad walked in with a small bag. He had gotten her a "Sweet Sixteen" gift. It was a gorgeous jewelry set that corresponded with her birthstone. 

For a moment, as Jenny modeled her new, sparkly items, I felt a bit jealous. Not in the sense that I thought I should have it, and I'd take it from her (the way a lot of little kids feel about toys). It was more like, I had wished my family had money like that, to be able to give each other shiny gifts.

Immediately after that thought, I realized that I didn't need it. I simply shook and smiled.

Jenny had said, verbatim, "This makes me happy." She was looking down at the sparkling gems on her fingers and around her neck. 

Now, I feel that at times, on this blog, I don't give Jenny enough credit. Due to my aggravation, I tend to...exaggerate her actions (I mean it, just a little). But, she's really not as dumb as some of you may think. There are times that she truly surprises me with little bursts of maturity and processed thoughts. 

Though, she and I were raised differently. She grew up beneath parents with great money. They live comfortably, almost never worrying about financial matters. They have money to go on vacations, and travel often.

I, on the other hand, was not raised with that luxury. I'm not saying, "Oh, my god. I'm so poor. My life sucks. I'm just a jealous, teenage girl." But maybe that's not completely relevant.

Anyway, my parents are not the poorest, but definitely nowhere near Jenny's family--and Jenny's family isn't really rich. But, in order for us to travel, it has to be in a city near us, doing little things that we could do from our current city. 

Don't I sound ungrateful? Well, I'm not. Because I value those little, insignificant vacations my mother works hard to put together. Jenny and her family, however, may not agree with me. They're used to going across the country, out of state, and as for her father, overseas. 

Another example, Jenny's family can afford music lessons. Not only does she take them, but she's switched instruments, dropped the classes, picked them back up again, bought her own instrument, etc. I've wanted music lessons all my life. But, we just can't afford it. You know what I value? I value the YouTube videos Brett Manning posts. That's as close to music lessons as I'll get. 

Any little thing my mom gives me, whether she notices or not, I truly value. Because, it may not be as cool as  what most kids in my area get to have. But, it's better than nothing. I wish I could be like Jenny, but sometimes I'm glad I'm not. We have very different attitudes, and I know our values is what sets us apart. 

In a sense, I feel a bit more down-to-earth. She is too, she just needs steadier footing. 

Civil or Not?

So, yesterday in my history class, we had a very interesting conversation. We were in the middle of a lesson about the Cro-Magnons (an early form of humans that had a skeletal structure identical to us modern folk). And it then lead on to Hammurabi and his whole "an eye for an eye" thing.

My teacher then asked an interesting question: Do you think that we, as modern humans, are more civilized now than we were back then?

For a moment, there were no hands in the air. It was deathly silent. Everyone was pondering for a few minutes as the teacher smirked at us, amused by how hard we were digesting this question. Finally, a friend of mine raised his hand and said, "I think that we haven't become more civilized. It's just more published."

At first, I didn't get it what he meant. But then he explained, "We do the same things back then, only we have better communication skills. Every event, every action we do is published in the news, radio, magazines, etc. History repeats itself. We still have our primal instincts. Though our laws are a bit more organized,we still break them by appearing animalistic. We still have ridiculous consequences for what we consider crimes. Death penalty isn't civilized. Back then, they'd kill you if you killed someone and you'd have no trial."

In some areas, I disagreed with him. But overall, I thought that was a really great answer. I appreciated my teacher for even asking the question. Things like that really make us think and collaborate as a whole.

My opinion, though, is yes and no. Yes, because like my friend had mentioned, back in Hammurabi's time, you killed someone, they'd kill you--no trial. We've become a bit more civil by trying to actually prove the crime. Some people get off the hook, whether or not they did it. There was no "getting off the hook" that long ago.

But, I agree with my friend in the sense that we still have some primal instincts. We--and I mean the human race as one whole--still have that savage feeling within us. Luckily, most of us know how to tame it. While others, our serial killers and friends, don't.

In essence, I think the humans are still the same. The only things that have changed are our government, economy, religious beliefs, and our technology. All of those things have improved, except religion (that's a totally different element), to cater to human needs.

The Cro-Magnons improved their tools to help themselves hunt easier, carve easier, and plant easier. Our technology has improved to help people commute more efficiently, communicate better, take away some labor, and of course, for our entertainment. Both the Cro-Magnons and Homo Sapiens improved their ways of life to help each other out. That's civil.

So, I guess it kind of goes go 50-50. I don't know. It was just a cool thought I wanted to write about.

A Piece of Writing

This morning in my creative writing class, I had a pretty interesting assignment. The assignment was this: There was a slip of paper on everyones desk. Whatever was written on the paper had to be the first line of your own fiction piece.

My line was, "Mother disapproved of him," from a book by Rita Mae Brown.

What I wrote about was based on true events in my life, but had a fictional twist. So, I guess it'd be called realistic fiction.

Here it is:

Mother disapproved of him.

But that didn't stop me. No matter how awful Mother said he was, I still loved him. The worst part of it: Mother was right. This man, who I loved so much, was nothing but a scumbag. In my opinion, he was a borderline sociopath--using people as items for his own gratification.

If that was the case, I was the best "thing" he ever put his burly hands on. My skin still burned where his fingers used to be. I could still smell him on my clothes. Grimacing, I shook my head.

The thought of him was sickening. Almost as sickening as when I went on a cruise to the Bahamas and got seasick. He was that feeling, complete with nausea and...

The next thing I knew, my face was in a porcelain toilet bowl. I was vomiting until I cried. Wiping at my eyes, I flushed my stomach contents down and away.

The mirror was cracked in my bathroom. I was angry one day (Mother's fault) and I had thrown my hairbrush at the shiny glass. Surprisingly, it didn't shatter as I hoped it would. My face's reflection was interrupted by those raged lines. But, I could still see the light blonde waves of hair, the tearful blue eyes, and the long, dark eyelashes that crowned them.

Why would he do this to me? What had I done to provoke such treatment? How does one lie in another's bed, lovingly, and feed them lies? He was a heartless monster, and I loved him so much.



So, yeah. My teacher says in class everyday, "Work is not done, only do." This piece was not finished but she made us stop writing and that was as far as I had gotten. In my opinion, I thought it was pretty good. I mean, considering it was written at 8 in the morning, by force. I did the best I could to relate the topic to me.

Through this assignment, I've come to realize that writing is my way of healing. The more I wrote about heartache, the less I felt it. At this moment, I'm smiling. I'm so grateful such remedies are possible. If we all, as humans, couldn't find things that made us happy, we'd all go insane. And a lot of us are insane, because a lot of us haven't found that happy activity or hobby.

About a year ago, none of this was clear to me. I would have sulked when someone--ex-boyfriend, or best friend--would break my heart, even though I knew I had a greater ability to write. Now that I've accepted writing as a passion, it helps me through a lot.

Hopefully I'll have more interesting assignments to post from creative writing class.

:)

Something.

I don't know what to blog about.

I'm really bored and I've been feeling...kinda lonely lately. I just came back from Washington with "Jenny" and her family. I hated that trip. I was the oddball out. They had family arguments and I'd stay quite. I'd never ask for anything, just take what they gave. I felt so awkward for an entire week. That definitely made me feel lonely.

This post is super short, and super pointless. I just wanted to post something. So enjoy. Ha-ha.

Who Cares For the Title?

I've turned this blog into a place for thoughts and opinions to a place full of whining. But, it's my blog and I write what I feel. And I feel...a lot.

It's about "Jenny" again, kind of. I hope she doesn't read it. I mean, she's not the reading type anyway... But, who knows. It's the truth and it hurts.

She's complaining to me about her mother. Her mom cancelled her date with her father because she couldn't find a babysitter for Jenny. So I just told Jenny that she hasn't given her parents any reason to trust her. Jenny has a reputation at school--a bad one, of course. It's leaked into her home life and her parents' trust for her is spiraling down the drain.

I feel sorry for her. But, it's really making me mad. I once heard that people judge you off of who you associate yourself with. Well, if that's true, then I look as immature as Jenny. I'm sorry, Jenny. But, it's the truth. Jenny isn't as mature as she claims. She's changing rapidly into something intolerable.

Just today, my mom and her mom were talking to us about our behavior. We don't act up--well, I don't for the most part--but it was Jenny's behavior they were concerned about. But, I didn't like being talked down to like that, especially if it wasn't a lecture addressed to me. Pull Jenny aside and lecture her alone. I don't need to be told rules that are no-brainers.

Jenny needs to sharpen up. She's going down a dark and bumpy road and I don't think I'll be at the end of it to help her.


This is another messy post, in my opinion. But, I'm rushing and I just wanted to get this off of my chest.

I'm really enjoying this blog.

Ugh.

It's almost been a month since I've last posted. I've been urged to. But, I didn't know what to write about. Well, now I do.

Maturity. Maybe even common sense. I don't know what to call it. There's just a lot going on in my mind.

A lot of kids at my age claim they're mature. It bothers me when they say it and then act like a child. I mean, c'mon, you're in high school...grow up. As I write this, I have a specific person in mind, though I'll keep their name hidden. We'll call her Jenny.

Jenny is easily manipulated. She's putty in any one's hands. I've watched as she's become molded into various shapes and forms. It's okay to change with time. But not because of someone else. Jenny believes anything anyone says--especially boys.

She let's boys come and go like the days of the week. Currently, she's making out with guys with absolutely no feelings attached. She does it to keep her occupied. She's bored, so she kisses guys. Not only is that wrong, but how do you physically show affection to someone you have no feelings for?

I'm kind of jealous.

Not of the kissing thing. She has another friend. She constantly rubs in my face how "awesome" and "adventurous" this girl is. Not only is that girl "adventurous" but a lot of the time she's breaking the law. Jenny wishes I was more like this girl. You know, I'd really like to keep a clean record, thank you very much.

I'm that kind of friend who mothers and looks out for others. I understand that Jenny has to make her own mistakes. But I only believe that to a point. Just today she told me, "Sascha, I have the biggest urge to get drunk."

So let's go over the list.

Jenny is:

1. Easily manipulated.
2. Hanging out with a juvenile delinquent.
3. She's making out with random guys.
4. She wants to start drinking.

May I remind you that we're high schoolers. And...No high schooler is 21 or older.

I worry for her. I know I'm not the most exciting of people (I'd rather stay home, watch movies, read, write) but all the activities that Jenny wants me to engage in are super illegal!

I also feel like I've outgrown her. The things she says to me these days are all pointless and meaningless. She talks endlessly about "having fun" (illegal fun). She wants to bring air horns to school with her adventurous friend to "f**k s**t up." I really can't stand it.

Jenny always said that she wouldn't be that way. But, now that the opportunity has come up, she's taking it.



This post is totally unorganized, but that's how it is in my mind right now. Ugh...

Freedom!

I know that in a previous post I said that I had ended whatever I had going with a certain guy. Well...I lied. I was just being paranoid, so I blogged about it. But, everything was okay between him and me. Now, today is different.

I ended our "thing."

I'm not gonna lie, I feel like total crap. But, I actually had the balls to leave him. In a weird way, it's boosted my confidence; I don't need him. I was the one who independently walked away. Through the tears and despair, there's a smile, because I know I did what I thought I couldn't accomplish.

Me and this guy had an "unofficial" relationship. He used to call me every night, text me all day, visit me frequently, etc. But then, as time went on, he no longer put forth any effort to contact me. I was the one who'd have to reach out to him. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it takes two to tango.

I think the worst part of this situation is its ending. I told him how I felt (neglected, used, etc.) and all he had to say was: K.

I nearly laughed. It was as if he was purposely trying to make me feel worse (I don't really know if those were his intentions. I hope not, but I won't start feeding my mind hurtful ideas). I'll miss this guy so very much. He's unforgettable and he was truly a beautiful person. He was just lost and had his own problems to deal with. And in my opinion, he definitely doesn't have his priorities straight.

I feel freed. I'm no longer checking my phone every hour in hopes of a text message from him. I no longer have to worry about that. It's summertime, I've got a big trip coming up with my best friend, and then sophomore year starts. I'm gonna leave this crap behind me and move forward, because that's the only thing to do.

There's something bitter about this freedom. But, I'm looking forward to the self-improvement and new-found wisdom it brings.

One of My Many Flaws

I've noticed that when I'm...I guess, in a relationship with a guy, and I'm unhappy, I won't leave. Now, I don't need anyone to tell me how horrible that is--believe me, I know. It's just, I don't understand why I won't leave. I mean, I've got an idea as to why. 


I hate being alone. And I don't mean alone in a room (even though that bothers me sometimes). I mean emotionally. Sometimes, family and friends just don't cut it. You just need that one person that you won't share with anyone else. That person's yours and you have a great connection.


But when things go bad in my relationships, I try my best to fix it, but I won't leave if it becomes impossibly. I'm fiercely loyal despite my feelings. I don't know. It's just a thought. It's definitely something I've got to improve on. But, I'm young, so I've got plenty of time. 


:)

Musical Goosebumps

Earlier today, I was watching a video. It's a video of a high school's band. That band won best in its state not too long ago. Every time I watch that marching band, or any marching band, I get goosebumps and chills. I just find the brass and percussion go so well together.

I then wondered what causes chills/goosebumps whenever I listen to really good music. I came across this really cool website that's all about the science of music. It said that music can stimulate a part of the brain called the hypothalamus. Goosebumps, chills, a faster heart rate, and sweating can result from stimulation of the hypothalamus. Cool, huh?

Then they mention something about our ancestors might have felt chills/goosebumps when separated from their families. I don't know. I just thought the whole situation was interesting. I've definitely added that website to my favorites.

http://www.exploratorium.edu/music/questions/goosebumps.html--That's the link to the amazing and short article on music-induced goosebumps.

Another Post About Inconsistency

I'm posting about inconsistency again, after not writing in weeks. But, I'm not thinking about my inconsistency. I'm thinking about people's inconsistency.

There's this boy. And we had a "thing." He was practically my boyfriend but the two of us thought that if we added a label, publicized it on Facebook, etc., everything would get complicated. We were content in our secrecy. Very little people knew.

Now, It's been this way for a few months. All of a sudden, he stops texting me back, doesn't call...nothing.

That's what I call inconsistent. But, I expected that from him sooner or later. It wasn't the first time he's treated me that way. Though I can assure you it'll be the last.

"And How Do You Feel About That?"

Emotions.


That term holds such underestimated weight. It defines us and destroys us. And I wonder: Why do a lot of us let emotions take control of our logic? I know I suffer from that. But is it really something you can 'suffer' from? Sure, there are many psychological terms for emotional disorders and such. But, I don't have any of that. I mean, I used to. But that's not what this post is about.


The most clichéd emotion is Love. Infamous, notorious, wonderfully dangerous, love. And one of the most commonly asked questions about love is: What is love? Google it and you'll find actual lists of the "symptoms" of being "in love." Wow. Really?


For those who need the World Wide Web to tell you how you feel...That's just sad. But, I don't blame you. Because emotions can be complicated and confusing. But LOVE?! Shouldn't that be the easiest one to define? I mean, we love so many things and people (Moms, dads, iPods, puppies, etc.) yet, there isn't really a definition for it. Well there is, but it seems too simple to really capture its meaning. Here's what Google just gave me on the definition of love: An intense feeling of deep affection. 


One. Sentence.


In one sentence, Google defined love. Now, ask a teenager, or a young adult, and they'll ramble on, stuttering, stammering, and stumbling. Their eyes will possibly dilate at the very thought of love. Now, that brings me to a new thought: is love inexpressible? Is it only within our actions and physical beings? Hell, I don't know. But it sure seems that way.


For example, at the moment in my life, I've developed strong feelings for a male. Let's call him "Jack." Whenever I see Jack, I kid you not, as stupid and sappy as it sounds, my heart stops for a moment...and then races. I feel my face heat up and I tend to smile. But whenever Jack leaves my side, I'm giggly for the next 10 minutes. 


Now what does that mean? That doesn't happen with just any little crush--at least not with me. But, who knows *shrugs*. 


Other emotions aren't recognized as frequently as love. But they are all the same. In my opinion, no emotion is better than the other. That's only if you let it seem that way. Of course, the most favored emotions are happiness, love, etc. and the hated ones are anger, sadness, etc. But, I think it's helpful to embrace all of them. Sometimes, I get my best thinking done when in sadness. After I feel angry and I've become calm, I realize that the things I say and think in rage are almost opposite of what I truly feel.


I mean, I don't really know much. I'm just a high schooler with too much time on her hands and a laptop. 

Blahblahblah

I'm sitting on my bed right now, watching the Oxygen channel. My body is still and relaxed. But my mind is so energetic right now. I'm not thinking of much. My brain just feels...busy. I'm gonna focus on one thing: Reality TV.
Yes, I know that this topic has been touched a thousand times by millions of others. Everyone says that shows like The Bad Girls Club and The Jersey Shore are complete garbage. I beg to differ. Other than communication purposes such as the news, wasn't TV made for entertaining? Would people seriously rather watch scripted shows with pre-recorded laughter and applause? I know I wouldn't.
I want to see tears, drunk people, fights, pointless drama, etc. It's hilarious! As dark as it sounds...watching other people's problems is mildly amusing (to a certain extent. Don't think that I love watching others die or anythin').
I mean, think about it, you can laugh openly about these people's distress in the comfort of your own home. No one is going to tell you that it's rude. Laugh all you want, make fun of them. It's refreshing. Because when you're out in public and you point fingers and chortle, you'll look ignorant. So, watching reality TV is like...unwinding from being politically correct and polite.
Maybe what I'm saying isn't right to say. But, it's the way I think. And I'm free to think whatever I'd like.

I'm So Inconsistent.

As much as I love expressing my feelings, I can't seem to keep up with my own blog! The good thing about that is...no one is reading it. So, I'm not really disappointing anyone, haha. 
But I feel as if I'm disappointing myself. The fact that I'm inconsistent with something as simple as this, kind of bothers me. I should be able to be persistent. Well, that's my goal. I'm going to try to write as much as possible. But...no promises (Of course, I'm just talking to myself, here).