Terrible Times

Sorry if this post is a little unorganized, or weird. It's really hard for me to focus, for I am at a family get-together in a wet bathing suit. I felt the need to post anyway because I find it therapeutic.






I am at a point in my life where I am being an awful person. I'm doing things that make it hard to recognize my face in the mirror. Not only is it unlike me, it's hurting the people I love. I have only an idea as to where this behavior originated. "Jenny" and I are not on speaking terms. Some contributing factors are: my father being heartbroken, and seeing my ex's face every other day.

I'm not blaming those things for what I'm doing. I can just say that all of those things are stirring up my bitterness and higher sensitivity. What I need is a dose of self-control and someone patient to talk to. "Gemini" and I are headed down a rocky road because of how I've been lately. He's usually one of my patient people I vent to. But I keep messing up and hurting his feelings.

He might understand that I don't mean to. But that doesn't mean it still doesn't bother him. I've done so many things wrong with him; I'm scared that we'll be coming to an end soon. I'd understand where he'd be coming from if he were to give me that call and say, "We need to talk."

As for Jenny and I, she couldn't keep a secret. She doesn't cover for me. I tell her certain things, secret things, naturally. She's been my best friend for nearly 10 years now. But, if someone asks about my secret, she'd give it away. Not purposefully, but she wouldn't put forth an effort, either. It's happened quite a few times, each time deducted trust between us.

I know she's sorry, but I'm hurt and paranoid. So, she can wait.

Regarding my dad, he and his fiance aren't getting married and they broke up. I felt so bad because they'd been together for a few years and were getting ready for marriage, the biggest step of commitment. Now, my dad isn't the joker that he usually is. Even through text messaging him, I could feel the sadness he felt. It's awful to see a parent in distress, even if they tell you not to worry about it.

And my ex... He pops out of nowhere in school. Every time I see him, my heart skips a beat. Not romantically, but in fear. Somehow, I get freaked out. I could be the happiest person alive, walking down the halls at school. Then he shows up. It ruins my whole mood because I'm then bombarded with memories that I can't rid myself of.

I'm pretty sure you can relate. Maybe there was a time that no matter what you did or said, or how hard you tried, nothing went right. You still ended up hurting yourself and others around you. It's a horrendous feeling.

Even though I can't stand to speak to Jenny, I still miss her. She has this affect on me that helps me stabilize myself. Without that, Gemini is left with that job. He can't do that on his own. Then I become aggravated. I know I shouldn't depend on a chain of people to keep me well-behaved. But I think to an extent, it's something we all do. And when a link in the chain is missing, there's a domino-effect and things get messy.

I just want to say that I'm sorry to whoever I've hurt. Things are just wrong at the moment.