It's Not Fair

It's not fair that I don't get to see Gemini as often as I'd like. I hate it so much. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to retreat from the relationship. We have strong communication skills with each other and I greatly appreciate that. But it's so hard to go so long without seeing him.

I made a mistake early in our relationship. And with that mistake I learned how easy it was to lie to him because of the distance. I hated myself for how I treated Gemini and I still don't forgive myself. But, Gemini could so easily do it to me. Let's say he gets lonely where he is. He won't be seeing me so much, but he's got plenty of lady friends locally. What he could do with them is heartbreaking. 

Of course, he tells me that I'm his one and only. He says he'd never do it. I believe him. But it's not without effort. Besides, people are always changing. He may love me so passionately now, but with time, he may get bored and lonely and impatient. And then Sascha's tossed aside.

I don't know. These thoughts occur to me every once in a while. When I talk to him about it, he reassures me as usual. But, there's always that paranoia. 

Ahhhhhh!

I'm just trying to blow off some steam, here. So I'm sorry if this makes absolutely no sense to you.

Why can't she be like me? I'm not saying I'm so great. But I know that I'm a hell of a lot better person than she is. She's so shallow, and lacks leadership. She's a coward. Whatever her friends do, she'll do in the very instant. They'll say, "Jump!" And she'll reply with, "How high?!"

Where the hell did we go wrong? What makes her think that she's so much better than us? She's nothing. So very, very insignificant to society. Because in my opinion, as individuals, we're all insignificant. But when we come together as a whole, we become something great. Well, she refuses to cooperate with the right people. It's with the ignorant, naive, illiterates she wants to conform with.

That's why no real person actually enjoys her company. They all think she's a nuisance. Hell, I think she's a nuisance. She's a copy machine. But somehow, when something good for her comes along, she pushes it away. What is up with little kids and their attraction to being just awful people? What's so "cool" about bullying, and abusing curse words? Or even looking and acting like everyone else around you, though you know that's not who you are?

With this generation, where the hell is the originality? Is everyone just a recreant?

She's an idiot. People like her is what makes others hurt and sad and insecure. It's funny, because there's a whole lot that I can point out about her. Oh, look! I'm blogging about a whole bunch of her flaws right now! Too bad she's too "cool" to read.

[Purposely Untitled]

Sometimes, I wonder if how I feel is okay to feel. Everything in this world seems to have a boundary that everyone fears to pass. I'm not saying that I'd like to be reckless and/or carefree. I just wish that there wasn't a confusion as to where that boundary may be.

For example, being jealous. I feel jealous every now and then. But that jealousy has tagged along with paranoia. Gemini seems to flirt with a specific girl constantly on his Facebook wall. Now, that usually wouldn't be a huge deal if it weren't for my ex. He had flirted with some other girl on Facebook and then ended up leaving me for that particular girl. Now, every time I go to Gemini's page and see her there, I become awfully jealous and paranoid.

Does my paranoia and past experience justify my feeling this way? Or should I just let the past stay dead? There's my boundary, I suppose. I think by being jealous, I pass that line. Feeling this way just seems wrong. Gemini always tells me that it's not what I think, that I'm the one he wants, etc. But that's exactly what my ex had said to me. No more than a month later did I see him holding hands with another girl and giving me the Cold Shoulder.

And this whole boundary thing doesn't apply to just jealousy. It fits in with every other emotion. Well, maybe not happiness. I don't think there's a limit on that one. But on every other one, sure. I don't know. I just wanted to post something, since it's been a while. This was what was currently on my mind and it has been a reoccurring incident.