Remorseful Apology

I made a mistake. Probably one of the biggest ones in my short life.

In essence, I'm a liar and a cheater. I hurt the one I love and I know that will change our relationship immensely, no matter how many times he'll say that it won't. I was committed to him and I truly felt for him. But, I was still tangled in a previous, atrocious relationship. And I decided to keep that one hidden from the guy (let's call him Gemini, since that's his zodiac sign).

The bad relationship (the one mentioned in previous posts), ended the second day of the new school year. Gemini thought it had ended back in June. See my mistake? So, last night while on the phone with Gemini, I decided to confess. I felt that in order for me to feel guilt-free and truly happy with him, I had to tell him that one and only secret.

I was terrified, holding my cellphone against my face. My body was shaking and I was already starting to cry. He was gentle, as always, telling me that it was okay and that he was here to talk about it. So, slowly, I told him.

The worst thing happened after that.

He got quiet.

I waited a few seconds, in pain and in fear, and he finally spoke. He was at loss for words, which only made things heavier. He uttered questions: what, when, why? I answered them all and I knew he was numb. For a few minutes, he couldn't tell me how he felt.

A lot of the phone call was just us in silence. I wasn't sure if he had cried. But tears were continuously streaming down my face. He tried to reassure me, telling me that he and I would be okay and back to normal. I didn't believe him. He can't be that stoic.

The next morning, I had something similar to a hangover. It clung to me all day and I just wanted to get it removed, as if it were a tumor.

What I'd really like to say to Gemini is that I love him so much and I didn't mean to hurt him. He means everything to me and I think he's the most understandable and balanced guy I've ever met. I think that I'm extremely lucky and he makes me happier than I ever thought was possible. I thank whatever greater force above for his company.

I promised him that I'd never hide anything from him and that I'd be open. I want to make us work and I want us to last. I love my Gemini. And I think it's a miracle that he still loves me.