Stupidly Sorry

For Gemini, because we love ginger kittens

Lately I've been really terrible. When I say lately, I mean this week. I've been moody and aggravating consecutively. Another thing that I seem to do is hold double-standards. It's not always that I mean to. A lot of the time, I'm just being playful. But that isn't how it is always perceived.

"Gemini" and I just got off the phone about an hour ago. My moodiness caused me to get jealous about the attention other females give to him and vice-versa. It seems really stupid, but I am able to admit that I am the jealous type. You can go ahead and list all the problems with that, but trust me, I'm aware of them. 

He then claimed that I do the same thing. Now, as true as that is, I do it to mess around with Gemini, and he knows that. It's the way I joke with him because I know he can take it. He's not as sensitive as I am when it comes to that. But when he does it to me, he isn't joking. I know that for certain. Then he'll say something like, "You do it all the time. If you can't handle it, then don't do it to others." 

He's right. For the most part. I'd say that he should know my sensitivity level and not to mention how cute some other girl is. He knows how that makes me feel. I shouldn't do it to him, but when I do, I say I'm just kidding. I'm sincere about it too. But, he doesn't get offended or jealous in the first place. 

I don't know. This whole thing is quite pointless but I just thought it was necessary to post. I'm sorry that I let my emotions ruin our nights, Gemini. It isn't my intention. And I can tell you that as I talked to you on the phone this evening, sounding all sad, I kept thinking to myself, Cheer up. Don't ruin this. Stop being emotional. I willed myself to start laughing and having a good time with you. But, I failed to overcome it. I really tried and put forth an effort.

I keep fearing that this'll push Gemini away. He's consistent, though. Always telling me that this won't make him leave. But I truly believe it could. I just have to screw up one too many nights. You can't fathom how hard I'm trying to control this. It's a work in progress. All I need is for Gemini to keep holding on. I promise I'll fix this.

Torn

I hate it, with a passion, when I'm torn between two. It doesn't matter the scenario. I could be torn between two shirts at Target, or between two friends. Whatever it may be, the feeling is awful. No decision ever feels like the right one.

I'm torn between my parents. It should never be that way. I should see them as equals. But, lately, that's becoming hard to do. They're divorced, which sets up the whole "choose a side" ordeal. I'm over that part. The splitting of my parents happened when I was in middle school. The problem is: the two of them have their stories mixed up.

Now, that shouldn't really matter. They're not together anymore. Period.

That's just not good enough for me. I'm pretty sure a lot of people would like an explanation to a heavy, life-changing event. I can't go the rest of my life not knowing what caused my parents to split. I'd be forever curious.

I won't go into detail about their marriage. I'll just say that their stories are polar opposite. Their stories make the other parent look responsible for the break up. That's very common in this kind of situation. I just think it's immature.

The funny part is, no one cheated or anything. So it wasn't like it was one person's fault. The two of them had mistakes that they both could have sorted out. They were either too lazy, or didn't care enough, to make it work. In my opinion, that's a pretty selfish decision.

This is ripping me apart because my mother thinks that if I take my father's side, I'm blaming everything on her, "as usual." "As usual" my ass. I never blame my mom for things. I adore her and do all that I can to be appreciative of her efforts. She's the one who's being a blind, old bat and can't see my efforts.

And if I take my mom's side, I'd kind of be abandoning my dad. And just recently, his fiance broke up with him. He had opened up to me and my sister about everything because we're all that he has left. That's something my mom would never do. She's too old-fashioned and it seems like she sees family as more of a business matter. I strongly appreciate what my dad has done. Sure, he has his flaws when it came to our relationship. But he's trying and I can see it.

Since I'm torn, I've come to the conclusion that I don't believe either of them. If they can't be mature about it, I'll fill in the blanks myself. I can say right now, there won't be very nice words in those blanks. My mom says, "to Hell with all of us." Cool, Ma'. Very nice of you to say.

My dad is a bit oblivious to what my mom had done for him. So, you see? They both have flaws that bother me so much.

Currently, my mom is mad at me because of this situation. I honestly don't care. My dad is okay, therefore he and I share no hostility.

I'm leaving this torn feeling behind. I don't believe either of my parents. Knowing my mom, she'll confuse that with not trusting her, or not appreciating her. Wrong. I love the hell out of both of them and I think they've done a great job of raising my sister and I. No matter how many times I tell my mom that, she never believes me. That's her problem now.

I know where I stand.