Terrible Times

Sorry if this post is a little unorganized, or weird. It's really hard for me to focus, for I am at a family get-together in a wet bathing suit. I felt the need to post anyway because I find it therapeutic.






I am at a point in my life where I am being an awful person. I'm doing things that make it hard to recognize my face in the mirror. Not only is it unlike me, it's hurting the people I love. I have only an idea as to where this behavior originated. "Jenny" and I are not on speaking terms. Some contributing factors are: my father being heartbroken, and seeing my ex's face every other day.

I'm not blaming those things for what I'm doing. I can just say that all of those things are stirring up my bitterness and higher sensitivity. What I need is a dose of self-control and someone patient to talk to. "Gemini" and I are headed down a rocky road because of how I've been lately. He's usually one of my patient people I vent to. But I keep messing up and hurting his feelings.

He might understand that I don't mean to. But that doesn't mean it still doesn't bother him. I've done so many things wrong with him; I'm scared that we'll be coming to an end soon. I'd understand where he'd be coming from if he were to give me that call and say, "We need to talk."

As for Jenny and I, she couldn't keep a secret. She doesn't cover for me. I tell her certain things, secret things, naturally. She's been my best friend for nearly 10 years now. But, if someone asks about my secret, she'd give it away. Not purposefully, but she wouldn't put forth an effort, either. It's happened quite a few times, each time deducted trust between us.

I know she's sorry, but I'm hurt and paranoid. So, she can wait.

Regarding my dad, he and his fiance aren't getting married and they broke up. I felt so bad because they'd been together for a few years and were getting ready for marriage, the biggest step of commitment. Now, my dad isn't the joker that he usually is. Even through text messaging him, I could feel the sadness he felt. It's awful to see a parent in distress, even if they tell you not to worry about it.

And my ex... He pops out of nowhere in school. Every time I see him, my heart skips a beat. Not romantically, but in fear. Somehow, I get freaked out. I could be the happiest person alive, walking down the halls at school. Then he shows up. It ruins my whole mood because I'm then bombarded with memories that I can't rid myself of.

I'm pretty sure you can relate. Maybe there was a time that no matter what you did or said, or how hard you tried, nothing went right. You still ended up hurting yourself and others around you. It's a horrendous feeling.

Even though I can't stand to speak to Jenny, I still miss her. She has this affect on me that helps me stabilize myself. Without that, Gemini is left with that job. He can't do that on his own. Then I become aggravated. I know I shouldn't depend on a chain of people to keep me well-behaved. But I think to an extent, it's something we all do. And when a link in the chain is missing, there's a domino-effect and things get messy.

I just want to say that I'm sorry to whoever I've hurt. Things are just wrong at the moment.

I'm Your Puppet

This topic has been gnawing at me for months. As you've probably seen in my last post, I was apologizing for my wrongdoing. I think I'm the biggest idiot now. "Gemini" doesn't think so. But, I think he's just astonishingly generous. But that's beside my point. My point is, I (and I'm pretty sure a lot of you can relate) have been used.

The guy that I was seeing behind Gemini's back was terrible and quite heartless. Almost anything he'd say, I'd do. He'd manipulate me and knew exactly how to say things to make it sound okay. Don't get the wrong idea. I didn't do crazy stuff. But, the fact that he was manipulative should have been enough to drive me away.

But, it didn't. Why? Because he was manipulative. I knew he never loved me. Though every time he'd say it, I'd force myself to believe it, hoping that somehow, we'd get better and actually love. I was so, incredibly wrong.

Throughout this whole "relationship," I kept thinking, Gemini wouldn't do this to me. What am I doing? 
But, I didn't leave. I didn't leave until he was done with me. It was the most humiliating, degrading relationship I'd ever been in.

Whoever is reading this, chances are you might've been used before. Maybe it was in a different situation, or maybe it was similar to mine. Either way, if it's happened to you before, the pain of knowing that you truly meant nothing to that person is heartbreaking. It comes with such a suffocating weight that you long to shed.

When it was all over, as upset as I was, I felt so relieved. It was the same feeling I had when my grandfather died last year. The very thought of him dead would make me cry. But, I was also relieved that he wouldn't suffer.

That was me.

I was no longer suffering. Sure, I could have ended it so much earlier and saved myself the pain. But, everything happens for a reason. And I know why this happened. It was just to strengthen me and sharpen my skills at judging situations. I now know when I should leave a guy, when I should stay, how to say "no" when they want you back, etc.

I hope that any of you that have been used come to the same, or a similar, conclusion. This'll haunt me for a long time. I don't want to say forever but, who knows? I just know that I never, ever want to experience that again. Nor do I want anyone else to feel that kind of pain. But, I can't do much but say, "Be careful."

I'm just lucky I've got friends, family, and Gemini to be there for me. All of them know how to treat me well and I truly appreciate it.

I wish all of you the best of luck when it comes to these menaces.

Remorseful Apology

I made a mistake. Probably one of the biggest ones in my short life.

In essence, I'm a liar and a cheater. I hurt the one I love and I know that will change our relationship immensely, no matter how many times he'll say that it won't. I was committed to him and I truly felt for him. But, I was still tangled in a previous, atrocious relationship. And I decided to keep that one hidden from the guy (let's call him Gemini, since that's his zodiac sign).

The bad relationship (the one mentioned in previous posts), ended the second day of the new school year. Gemini thought it had ended back in June. See my mistake? So, last night while on the phone with Gemini, I decided to confess. I felt that in order for me to feel guilt-free and truly happy with him, I had to tell him that one and only secret.

I was terrified, holding my cellphone against my face. My body was shaking and I was already starting to cry. He was gentle, as always, telling me that it was okay and that he was here to talk about it. So, slowly, I told him.

The worst thing happened after that.

He got quiet.

I waited a few seconds, in pain and in fear, and he finally spoke. He was at loss for words, which only made things heavier. He uttered questions: what, when, why? I answered them all and I knew he was numb. For a few minutes, he couldn't tell me how he felt.

A lot of the phone call was just us in silence. I wasn't sure if he had cried. But tears were continuously streaming down my face. He tried to reassure me, telling me that he and I would be okay and back to normal. I didn't believe him. He can't be that stoic.

The next morning, I had something similar to a hangover. It clung to me all day and I just wanted to get it removed, as if it were a tumor.

What I'd really like to say to Gemini is that I love him so much and I didn't mean to hurt him. He means everything to me and I think he's the most understandable and balanced guy I've ever met. I think that I'm extremely lucky and he makes me happier than I ever thought was possible. I thank whatever greater force above for his company.

I promised him that I'd never hide anything from him and that I'd be open. I want to make us work and I want us to last. I love my Gemini. And I think it's a miracle that he still loves me.

Conformity, Vanity

I can openly admit to conforming in my life. Obviously, a lot of us have or even still do. But, that's normal for humans. Whether we notice it, or even acknowledge it, we conform to some sort of group or even "clique." Though, in my opinion, there's a limit.

Someone very close to me--a family member--is nowhere near original. She doesn't stick out in the crowd and has no true identity. As harsh as I sound for being so critical, I love this person to death. The truth just hurts. (Luckily for me, reading isn't cool enough to her. So my blog is safe). 

Scrolling down my news feed on the Wonderful World of Facebook, I see that this person has "liked" a few pages. I wanted to see what those pages were, so I clicked on them. Every single page she had liked were practically the same. Their titles were various forms of the phrase "not giving a f**k."

Not only is that... ridiculous in so many ways, it's also not appropriate for her age. (I realize the more I write about this person, the more some of you would be able to figure out who it is. Though, I won't openly say her name, for the sake of her privacy). She's thirteen years old and everything she posts and likes are full of F-bombs and the word, "damn."

Now, how does that relate to vanity and conformity? Well as for the conformity, this person does it because the rest of her thirteen year old friends do it. Whatever they post, she posts, only with some words rearranged. It's almost like a form of plagiarism. 

I tell her, constantly, "Be original. You're a clone of all of your friends." One of two things happen after that. Someone jumps to her defense and makes me look like the bad guy, or she just gives me a look that is the equivalent to saying "stfu."

Vanity.

That's practically it's own section. But in a sense, I can loop it right back into conformity. This person who inspired me to write this post, she always says, via Facebook and Tumblr, "I'll do me, you do you."

Wrong.

She isn't doing her. All of her friends do, and say, and feel, and think the same. They're selective, all together, about who they talk to, who they associate themselves with. They carry their ignorant selves around as if they're better than everyone else. You can always tell who those people are when you see them. And I think that it's really degrading to their personalities. Or should I say personality, since they've all got the same one. 

Now, this family member most definitely isn't alone. There are tons of people, my age and older, who are plagued with either one of these terrible traits. 

I conform. I can't help it. But, I limit myself. I have a lot in common with a lot of people. But it isn't to the point where we lose our individuality. We--my friends and I--we are set apart by are differences, duh. But, the problem with people is that some just can't seem to let go and just be themselves. 

Urban Dictionary may have been helpful for any of you readers that may be a bit outdated. ;) 

Death by Diamonds and Pearls

I guess I can say that this post is about values. It's become apparent to me that I haven't really reflected on my own. But, today, as I was sprawled out on "Jenny's" wooden floor with a box of pizza, her dad walked in with a small bag. He had gotten her a "Sweet Sixteen" gift. It was a gorgeous jewelry set that corresponded with her birthstone. 

For a moment, as Jenny modeled her new, sparkly items, I felt a bit jealous. Not in the sense that I thought I should have it, and I'd take it from her (the way a lot of little kids feel about toys). It was more like, I had wished my family had money like that, to be able to give each other shiny gifts.

Immediately after that thought, I realized that I didn't need it. I simply shook and smiled.

Jenny had said, verbatim, "This makes me happy." She was looking down at the sparkling gems on her fingers and around her neck. 

Now, I feel that at times, on this blog, I don't give Jenny enough credit. Due to my aggravation, I tend to...exaggerate her actions (I mean it, just a little). But, she's really not as dumb as some of you may think. There are times that she truly surprises me with little bursts of maturity and processed thoughts. 

Though, she and I were raised differently. She grew up beneath parents with great money. They live comfortably, almost never worrying about financial matters. They have money to go on vacations, and travel often.

I, on the other hand, was not raised with that luxury. I'm not saying, "Oh, my god. I'm so poor. My life sucks. I'm just a jealous, teenage girl." But maybe that's not completely relevant.

Anyway, my parents are not the poorest, but definitely nowhere near Jenny's family--and Jenny's family isn't really rich. But, in order for us to travel, it has to be in a city near us, doing little things that we could do from our current city. 

Don't I sound ungrateful? Well, I'm not. Because I value those little, insignificant vacations my mother works hard to put together. Jenny and her family, however, may not agree with me. They're used to going across the country, out of state, and as for her father, overseas. 

Another example, Jenny's family can afford music lessons. Not only does she take them, but she's switched instruments, dropped the classes, picked them back up again, bought her own instrument, etc. I've wanted music lessons all my life. But, we just can't afford it. You know what I value? I value the YouTube videos Brett Manning posts. That's as close to music lessons as I'll get. 

Any little thing my mom gives me, whether she notices or not, I truly value. Because, it may not be as cool as  what most kids in my area get to have. But, it's better than nothing. I wish I could be like Jenny, but sometimes I'm glad I'm not. We have very different attitudes, and I know our values is what sets us apart. 

In a sense, I feel a bit more down-to-earth. She is too, she just needs steadier footing. 

Civil or Not?

So, yesterday in my history class, we had a very interesting conversation. We were in the middle of a lesson about the Cro-Magnons (an early form of humans that had a skeletal structure identical to us modern folk). And it then lead on to Hammurabi and his whole "an eye for an eye" thing.

My teacher then asked an interesting question: Do you think that we, as modern humans, are more civilized now than we were back then?

For a moment, there were no hands in the air. It was deathly silent. Everyone was pondering for a few minutes as the teacher smirked at us, amused by how hard we were digesting this question. Finally, a friend of mine raised his hand and said, "I think that we haven't become more civilized. It's just more published."

At first, I didn't get it what he meant. But then he explained, "We do the same things back then, only we have better communication skills. Every event, every action we do is published in the news, radio, magazines, etc. History repeats itself. We still have our primal instincts. Though our laws are a bit more organized,we still break them by appearing animalistic. We still have ridiculous consequences for what we consider crimes. Death penalty isn't civilized. Back then, they'd kill you if you killed someone and you'd have no trial."

In some areas, I disagreed with him. But overall, I thought that was a really great answer. I appreciated my teacher for even asking the question. Things like that really make us think and collaborate as a whole.

My opinion, though, is yes and no. Yes, because like my friend had mentioned, back in Hammurabi's time, you killed someone, they'd kill you--no trial. We've become a bit more civil by trying to actually prove the crime. Some people get off the hook, whether or not they did it. There was no "getting off the hook" that long ago.

But, I agree with my friend in the sense that we still have some primal instincts. We--and I mean the human race as one whole--still have that savage feeling within us. Luckily, most of us know how to tame it. While others, our serial killers and friends, don't.

In essence, I think the humans are still the same. The only things that have changed are our government, economy, religious beliefs, and our technology. All of those things have improved, except religion (that's a totally different element), to cater to human needs.

The Cro-Magnons improved their tools to help themselves hunt easier, carve easier, and plant easier. Our technology has improved to help people commute more efficiently, communicate better, take away some labor, and of course, for our entertainment. Both the Cro-Magnons and Homo Sapiens improved their ways of life to help each other out. That's civil.

So, I guess it kind of goes go 50-50. I don't know. It was just a cool thought I wanted to write about.