Lost

I don't even know where to begin.

I just know there's something wrong with me. Inside, I don't feel right. Never before had I been so...annoying. I'm so concerned with earning the attention of the one's I love. A moment alone is what I've been avoiding. Because if I have a moment to myself, I sink. My mind begins to race with paranoia and insecurity.

This person I've become, it doesn't feel like me. And I keep looking within myself, trying to piece it all together. I come up with nothing. I've been feeling this way for months and I'd dismiss it. But as time inches on, the sensation becomes more conspicuous. It's scaring me, making me so much more anxious.

Where did I go? I used to be so relaxed, happy-go-lucky, confident. All of that's fading, slowly but surely. I kept telling Jenny how proud I was of myself, that I felt good and strong. What's happening now? I'm feeding off of everyone else's energy, depending on them to hold me up. And when they're all gone, I'm at an all time low.

Who am I now? I desperately want my old self back. The one who could trust others and communicate well. But where did she go? She's lost.

Valentine's Day

I know, it's the most overrated topic anyone has ever written about. But when there's a hundred red balloons bobbing in my face, and people kissing their lovers' necks on school grounds, it's kind of hard not to want to release. Writing just seems to be the easiest way for me.

I'm not anti-Valentine. Not exactly. Because technically, I do have a "Valentine." But my day hadn't gone as I expected. I thought I would've had a happy, loving day, centered around Gemini. I didn't. Ironically, we argued last night. I may have said some awful things, but he's to blame as well.

But the fact that I have a boyfriend this year on V-day, and still there was no love, just proved to me that this "holiday" is pointless. It's really just a way for Hallmark to boost its card sales up. It's media driven. Everywhere you look during the month of February, men are pressured to buy nice, shiny things. While the women hold high expectations of being spoiled.

It's all for profit. Companies are just sitting behind their polished desks, watching their money rake in.

In my opinion, don't buy a card, or roses because it's February 14th. Give them to significant others, mothers, best friends, etc., on any other day of the year because you think they're truly special to you.

Have a happy, plain ol' Tuesday.