Surprise! I'm Back! (Life Update)

I haven't posted anything on here since March. But, I've gotten a few requests for another post. Hopefully, I'll pick up momentum again and start writing regularly. Also, since there's been such a huge gap between now and March, I'll try to be brief!

Anyway, it's been an interesting past few months. School ended and I wasn't thrilled about it. Gemini was up in Pennsylvania just a few days before my summer vacation, and he wouldn't be back until about a month or so later. So I was miserable. But I tried to make the best of it.

Pretty much, I just watched movies and visited family. I wanted to keep my mind busy. I didn't want to think about the fact that Gemini was out of state, doing who knows what? Each day inched by painfully. He called when I pleaded him to. And we had maybe 5-6 phone/Skype calls throughout June. It killed me.

We broke up.

We argued and he ignored me for three days. I kicked him to the curb. At first, I thought it'd be impossible to get over it. But it hasn't even been less than a week and I truly feel great. Like I'm free.

I mean, I have emotional highs and lows since the break up. I spent 10 months with the dude. I won't get over him that quick. But part of me feels really comfortable about it.

I just have to remember what my former psychology teacher told me throughout my sophomore year...Okay, I don't remember it verbatim but it was something like: When you take out the trash, you leave it on the curb for someone else to pick it up. You don't go back out there and bring your garbage back into your house.

Like I said, I don't know exactly how that quote was supposed to go. But I'm pretty close.

But it helps to think about it. I've been hanging out with friends and family to keep myself busy and it's working. Every once in a while I'll feel anxious and panicked because of the breakup. But, it's easily resolved by hanging out with "Jenny."

So, for now, I'm healing. I'm improving myself for me and no one else. That's all that matters. Everything's going to be alright as long as I keep my eyes on my goals and on those who care about me. Junior year is starting in a little more than a month and I'm very excited. So many important things are flying towards me that I can't be distracted by heartache.

For all of those who have been waiting and asking (Nacor) for more blogging, I hope you enjoyed this and thank you for the support!

Leaves

Yesterday, I was putting makeup on in my bathroom (for all the male readers, bear with me).With every stroke of that makeup brush to my face, I could see a transformation taking place. It was a change that made me feel less self-conscious about myself.

I asked myself, "What are you doing?"

The answer my mind generated was, "Satisfying others."

I realized that there's no need for me to be trying to cover up my flaws in order to feel comfortable around other people. In all honesty, that's all I ever think about when I'm with someone. I'm always hoping that I look okay; that they don't think badly about my appearance.

And for the longest time, I'd been wishing for it to stop. I've been waiting for it to stop--the constant worrying. My mistake was that I was waiting for the world to stop caring about appearances. But with how deep we are in media and commercialism, the importance of beauty will not fade anytime soon.

It was up to me to stop caring about how others saw me. In that moment in the bathroom, I told myself I wouldn't let people bother me anymore with the way I look. I don't want to sound all cheesy and cliche but, it doesn't matter what we look like on the outside. I believe that everyone deserves a fair shot without judging them by how they look.

I've been bullying myself with how I look. It had gotten so bad that compliments from other people didn't mean anything anymore. I was so far into thinking that my appearance was not good enough. But now I'm done with that.

I'm turning a new, confident, and satisfied leaf.

Fed Up

It's extremely stressful sharing a house with a family in addition to your own. Not only do I have to deal with the conflicts between my sister, my mother and I. But I also I have to overhear the severe bickering that takes place in the other. And what's worse than that is when I'm put in a position to take sides.

There are days when one of them will try to turn me against his mother, as well as mine, because he's not happy with the set rules in this house. He's only 16 and he honestly thinks he rules the world. He has absolutely no respect for his mother, who is a really nice and fun woman. Just now, I heard him cursing her out like she was some thug on the street. That broke my heart and fueled me to write this post.

And as for his sister, there is no doubt in my mind she has a psychological disorder. It could be three in the afternoon on a gorgeous day. She'd be locked up in the bathroom. If I knock on the door to ask her if she could hurry up, she yells at me like I'd just called her the worst name in the book. When she's called out on her flaws, such as her horrid grades and just as bad attitude, her eyes are set to kill and storms around like a murderer. Honestly, I'm scared to talk to her because I feel like I'm defusing a bomb.

I'm so done with them. I love their mom because she and I get along. On those nights that it's just me and my mom and her, we laugh and have a good time until all the other kids get home. Then her kids disrespect her. I really can't stand it. At this point, I'm not going to try to balance between sides of the argument. Seriously, I've made my decision. I think the kids are dumb and need to learn some manners and how to talk to an adult.

I don't feel like talking to them, or hanging out, or tolerating them. This has never been a joint-family. We're strictly housemates.

Please, people. Love your moms.

Lost

I don't even know where to begin.

I just know there's something wrong with me. Inside, I don't feel right. Never before had I been so...annoying. I'm so concerned with earning the attention of the one's I love. A moment alone is what I've been avoiding. Because if I have a moment to myself, I sink. My mind begins to race with paranoia and insecurity.

This person I've become, it doesn't feel like me. And I keep looking within myself, trying to piece it all together. I come up with nothing. I've been feeling this way for months and I'd dismiss it. But as time inches on, the sensation becomes more conspicuous. It's scaring me, making me so much more anxious.

Where did I go? I used to be so relaxed, happy-go-lucky, confident. All of that's fading, slowly but surely. I kept telling Jenny how proud I was of myself, that I felt good and strong. What's happening now? I'm feeding off of everyone else's energy, depending on them to hold me up. And when they're all gone, I'm at an all time low.

Who am I now? I desperately want my old self back. The one who could trust others and communicate well. But where did she go? She's lost.

Valentine's Day

I know, it's the most overrated topic anyone has ever written about. But when there's a hundred red balloons bobbing in my face, and people kissing their lovers' necks on school grounds, it's kind of hard not to want to release. Writing just seems to be the easiest way for me.

I'm not anti-Valentine. Not exactly. Because technically, I do have a "Valentine." But my day hadn't gone as I expected. I thought I would've had a happy, loving day, centered around Gemini. I didn't. Ironically, we argued last night. I may have said some awful things, but he's to blame as well.

But the fact that I have a boyfriend this year on V-day, and still there was no love, just proved to me that this "holiday" is pointless. It's really just a way for Hallmark to boost its card sales up. It's media driven. Everywhere you look during the month of February, men are pressured to buy nice, shiny things. While the women hold high expectations of being spoiled.

It's all for profit. Companies are just sitting behind their polished desks, watching their money rake in.

In my opinion, don't buy a card, or roses because it's February 14th. Give them to significant others, mothers, best friends, etc., on any other day of the year because you think they're truly special to you.

Have a happy, plain ol' Tuesday.

Sorry For Ranting

I just can't stand when people always have to play the victim. It makes me so angry. When will they grow up and take responsibility for themselves? I have a friend who's ex just keeps hounding him. He's incredibly heartbroken and this girl keeps complaining when she's the one messing up. She's got all these different people ganging up on my buddy, telling him to back off. It's unfair.

She's amazingly stoic and cold. Somehow, my friend sees warmth in her and I guess that's fine. I don't know the girl personally. But I know she's got my friend stuck in Karpman's Drama Triangle. My friend is the persecutor, she's the victim, and everyone who's defending her are the rescuers.

It's a hard web to break and I've been pushing my friend to just drop it all. She's obviously not worth this trouble (the kid loses sleep, gets headaches and stomach aches, all for an ungrateful, indecisive girl). I don't understand why he can't see it. But if he doesn't leave, this triangle will remain. And it's the triangle of all dysfunctional relationships. And sometimes I see the roles change, pulling me into the triangle. My friend is the victim, his ex is the persecutor, and I become the rescuer.

I don't have a problem with that. It becomes tedious to keep spoon feeding my friend, for him to just spit my advice up and let it dribble down his chin. I don't know. I just want what's best for him.

Even if he can't see it in 20/20 vision.

Two Weeks Into the New Year

I think the first two weeks of the year went by both quickly and slowly. I've been deprived of sleep, studying my butt off, and kind of just lying around. Nothing's changed...at all. I'm still the lazy, goofy, curious girl I was December 31st, 2011. But so far into the year, I guess I could note a positive and a negative.

I painted my room. It went from this...boring light blue, to yellow and purple. (When most people hear the color choice, they cringe. But trust me, the combination is beautiful.) I also got a new bed set, thanks to my mother. It's purple as well. My favorite color ever. 

It felt good changing up my room. I had posted a status on Facebook just before we started painting my walls: New year, new room. And it felt true, once we were finished. There were so many negative feelings I associated with those light blue walls. Now they're hidden below the purple and I can almost start fresh. 

Another plus, I'm currently writing a story and I feel good about this one. Most of my personal writing projects go to waste, as I toss them aside constantly. But this one, I refuse to give up on. There are so many elements that I have to sort out. It involves a lot of my thinking and I love it. So, maybe for once, I'll finish a full novel. (Obviously I can't expect to finish one in a year.) 

And the only negative I'm willing to share: 

I took my geometry midterm on Friday. As I have an A in that class, I'm still afraid that my grade will drop to a B from that midterm... Doesn't seem like too big a deal. But I'm striving for straight A's. All next week, I'll be taking exams for everyone of my other classes (in which I have all A's in). I'm hoping that I keep them A's. 

That's been my year so far. I'm just hoping for a stable rest of the year. Though that won't happen because Life wouldn't allow that. Best of luck to everyone else.